Fear vs. Faith

Since the beginning of this journey, Derek and I have known that God has had some specific lessons that He has wanted to teach us. We have both felt impressed that this is a "testing of our faith" as it talks about in James 1, and that God is wanting to mature and complete us in our walk with Him. Many times we've talked about the fact that we want to "get" what God is trying to do in our hearts - we don't want to have to re-learn any of these lessons again any time soon! I've been earnestly asking God to give me extra doses of His grace and ability to learn and grow so that this suffering isn't wasted.

A struggle in my life for many years has been fear. Whether it has been small things - like fear of spiders or fear of driving next to a tractor trailer truck on the road, or big things - like fear of rejection or fear of losing someone I love. A lot of times we disguise fear to ourselves and others by calling it nicer names - stress, worry, anxiety, insecurity, concern, etc. Fear can even be manifested in other ways like being controlling or being really affected when people aren't happy with you.

It wasn't until about about 2 years ago that I realized that fear is a sin (you'd think I would have realized this after reading the Bible for the past 25 years). I guess for some reason I just thought that fear was something God tells us not to do in the Bible, but didn't really mean. I thought that there are just some things you get a pass on due to your circumstances.

But the root of all kinds of fear, whether it be anxiety, worry, or stress, is a lack of trust in God. And a lack of trusting God, I have come to realize, is indeed a very big deal to Him. Over and over again in His word, He tells us that He is our refuge, our protection, our shield, our defense, and will never leave us or forsake us. The emphasis here is that He is trustworthy. Whatever we're going through, or whatever we need, He's on it. When we get afraid, but don't turn that around to trusting in Him, we are in essence calling Him a liar in our hearts - that He's not really going to do what He said He was going to. I'm not saying we're supposed to deny the way we're really feeling, but rather we're supposed to acknowledge that fear and then turn, give the fear to God, and rest in Him.

Fear has been raising it's ugly head again in my life through this journey with Grace's health. I know that through this time, God is wanting to further purge my heart of fear and increase my faith and trust in Him. I am totally out of control. Fear tempts me to worry about the future - What if the seizures come back? Did you notice that movement? Could it be a seizure in another form? What if the EEG comes back abnormal? But God tells me I can trust Him, that my hope is not in the medication that Grace is on or in the doctors she sees, and that He is on it. He has not forgotten us. He loves my precious darling even more than her daddy and I do. I do not get a pass to worry because I'm a mom. No stage in life or circumstance gives me a pass to not trust God, because He is worthy of my trust now and forever.

-Michelle
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In other news, my *baby* sister just went away to school this past weekend. Yay for her, sad for us. Grace is going to miss her Aunt Rebekah.

Grace with Aunt Rebekah the day before she left for school.