Today's meeting with the neurologist

What should be our response when we receive good news? "Praise the Lord! God is good." What should be our response when we receive bad news? "Praise the Lord! God is good."

See the difference? Oh wait, there isn't any difference. See, too many times our faith parallels the peaks and valleys of our life rather than the steady love and faithfulness of our God. When everything's good, we're believing in God and that He's in control, and we follow Him passionately. When things go south, we accuse God in our hearts and question His involvement in our lives--perhaps even His very existence. God gives us joys and blessings because He loves us and has good plans for us. He gives us trials and sufferings for the same reasons.

This afternoon we did receive some encouraging news. We met with the neurologist (who's from my hometown in Merrick, NY) and he feels very optimistic that the treatment will succeed for Grace. This is largely due to the fact that Grace has "cryptogenic" Infantile Spasms (IS), which means there is no underlying reason for the condition. This is the type we were hoping it would be because children with this kind of IS respond better to treatment than those with "symptomatic" IS, where there is an identifiable underlying brain malformation or disorder. (About 80% of children with IS are in the symptomatic category.)

We're also encouraged because we haven't noticed any spasms since Friday, which is the longest Grace has gone without any episodes since before starting her treatment. Grace also seemed a little more "engaged" today and gave some more smiles. But again, our faith should never be circumstantial. If the prognosis and all the signs were negative, we should still be rock solid in believing for Grace's healing and in trusting Christ.

Job's an awesome example of the kind of faith I want to have. In the course of a single day, he lost almost everything including all 10 of his children, and yet he worshiped the Lord rather than accuse Him. Job acknowledged that the Lord both gives and takes away (Job 1:20-22) and he said to his wife, "Shall we indeed accept good from God and not accept adversity?" (Job. 2:10). For Michelle and I, the same God who gave us our baby has also given us this trial. In a sense, He has also taken her away from us for a while, as much of her soul is gone for now.

I have definitely battled fear, doubt and unbelief through this process, but I can say with certainty that I will not curse God or accuse Him. I will not throw in the towel. I will keep hoping and trusting in God. I will not give in to fear or doubt or unbelief. God is big and He is mighty and even if He were to take away Grace's very life, I would still serve Him and worship Him for the rest of my life. I love my baby, but Jesus is my life and my source. He is my reason for living, not my daughter. Through this journey I've had to come to some hard realizations and admissions about how much of my heart and my life belonged to my child and I've needed this trial to bring clarity to these issues. More on that some other time... Need to go to bed.

-Derek
P.S. Only 2 more days of 2 injections per day!